Tomorrow marks 5 years waiting on our little one…
This week has been very emotional for me. So many questions: Do we continue? Do we change countries or programs? Do we expand our already expanded age range? Do we hold on to hope? How long will we wait? Will this happen?
Now, 5 years in, I’m packing up the little girl stuff into boxes again. We’ve been fostering for about 6 months now, and we’re nearing the end of our time with the 2 little girls that have been a temporary part of our family. It has been cathartic in a way, to have them to love on, dress up, and ‘have tea with’- but my heart still aches for a little girl to call my own. I had originally opened up all of the boxes of items I had saved, clothing I had purchased, little girl toys I had set aside and I let the girls use some of it… but my youngest son has expressed interest in having his own room for a season after the girls go home- so I’m slowly packing it up and putting it into the attic (again) so that he can use the bedroom.
I can honestly say that my deep love and connection with the two little girls that we’re fostering is truly from the heart of the Father. One night late, as Steve and I were reflecting on the difficulty of loving children who have lived through trauma, I confessed through tears that if our whole wait was so that we could temporarily ‘parent’ and bring some healing to these two beautiful children, then it was totally worth it. There is a lump in my throat even as I type it. My flesh wants to scream, ‘NO WAY is it worth it’. But my spirit says a wholehearted ‘Yes!’ These girls are so precious and so in need of the kind of love, home, and support that we provided. So I’m believing (in Faith, at times) that it IS worth it.
For the first time today in our 5 year wait, I actually declined going to a baby shower because it hurt too much. I’ve been so weepy this week that I didn’t think I could emotionally keep it together this time. I am honestly deeply joyful for this family, because they conceived after being unable to conceive for a long time, but I was afraid I’d be sitting in the corner crying and I didn’t want my grief to seep into the joy of the moment for her.
I know the weeping only lasts for the night and the joy comes in the morning. So, I’m clinging to that. To Hope in the Father. I know that He has a plan in all of this longing, waiting, and weeping. And, I know that my longing for a daughter in no way compares to the longing that an orphaned little girl feels because she has no home or family. Trying to keep perspective.
On another note: As you can see, I haven’t blogged in a YEAR. A YEAR, friends. This used to be such an outlet for me, and reading other blogs was such a great connection to the adoption world. My heart just hurt too much to keep reading but not have any movement. I stepped away to dull the pain. And in my blog-absence, unbeknownst to me, I actually lost my whole blogroll (I used google and they did away with it!), so now I don’t have a list of the blogs I used to read so religiously (comment below with yours, as wordpress has a reader I can use now… I want to get back in touch with what’s happening out in blogland).