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Who holds her when she’s sick???

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Having quite a raw, emotional day. Consider yourself warned.

I was home today with one of my boys because he has a fever. I got a lump in my throat and tears down my face (if I’m to be honest) several times today thinking of Mercy. How often has she been sick in the last 2 1/2 years? Who has held her when she’s sick? Who checks her body to see if her fever has gone too high? Who cools her off when she is sweaty and hot and achy? Who has comforted her and brings the cup to her lips?

Today is hard.

This process has gone on far too long. 7 years, 1 month, and 4 days to be exact.

I’m coming for you, sweetheart. You don’t know it, but I’m coming.

3rd Court Date never happened?

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So, I haven’t posted in a while… We had a court date on Aug 10. Then again on Sept 1. Then again on Sept 15. Except the unofficial report is that apparently, the one on the 15th never happened… So they might have given us another court date for Oct 9, but we are having a hard time getting through to confirm that. So far, the new mandated ‘2 months max in court’ is looking like a mere suggestion. :*(

Another thing I don’t understand, is why these hearings are not listed on the court website like the other families? I watched (appalled), as the another family had 16, maybe 17 court dates spanning a year before they got their written orders. And we have had 3 dates now, but only one appeared on the website.

It is hard to not let the fear creep in.

I’m also having a hard time fully allowing myself to ‘nest’ and create a space for Mercy when she comes home. I want to decorate, plan, register for needed things, but there are too many unknowns, and I’ve already decorated and torn down more than one sweet little girl bedroom in this wait. I love to plan and prepare- but it feels like such a risk. It isn’t fun when there is fear/pain tied to it… I would love prayers that I could push through the hard into the joy.

Trying to trust the Father’s hand. Lots of scriptures, lots of worship music, lots of trust and happy distractions with my boys while I wait. Thanks for holding my arms up, friends.

Our first court date… In just a few hours

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It is currently 7:00am in India. Our case is supposed to be seen today in court for the first time. 

New guidelines went into effect on Aug 1, because of the influence of Maneka Gandhi, that say adoption cases should be disposed in 2 months. I hope the judge over our case adheres to this, sees that all of our paperwork is complete, and moves the case forward.

We would love your prayers today for this judge, for our case and for our daughter. We would love to bring her home this fall. 

Such a confusing time

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So the last two months have been a whirlwind of emotions and experiences.

After deciding to be unmatched, I did a crazy thing and contacted the person with the most authority (over Adoption) I could think of over in India. After more than a year of silence and inactivity on our behalf/on Mercy’s behalf, I emailed a few influential people and let them know the inconsistency between what is being said/published/mandated and what is actually happening with families like ours.

Both of these influential people responded and asked us to hang on. Three weeks passed with no word. Then one morning we woke to news that we had the two approvals we were waiting on (for more than a year). We agreed to be rematched. We never heard why we had been stuck and ignored (no responses when we asked why we had not been processed). We were hopeful again that maybe things would change and that they would move things and we’d be traveling soon! But alas, a month has passed since those approvals and we are still not registered in the courts. The courts close for their summer break on June 1st for an entire month.

As of right now, the Swedish and Italian families who are currently in court in the same state that we’ve been watching have had SO MANY court dates. I think it’s around 14… and they do not have their written orders yet.

The next steps for us:

1) Get our case registered in court

2) Get verbal and written orders from the court

3) Get her passport/get our visas

4) Travel and go pick her up!

So, we could literally be SO VERY CLOSE, but I have had my hopes dashed for so long that I don’t know what to think. Initially when we got the approvals at the beginning of May, I had hopes that we could possibly travel this summer. But since we haven’t had our case registered in court, and the court closes in 2 days for a month long summer break, I don’t know if that is even possible.

I’ve been so distracted by longing and waiting. So focused on what I can do to change things (very little). I realized that my focus lately is off. You’d think I’d have this figured out by now. :) Trying to draw back to Him in my confusion.

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
-Matt 6:33

Dead things alive?

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I’m shocked and pleasantly surprised to announce that after waiting more than a year, and asking to be unmatched, we have the two state-level approvals that we need to proceed with our adoption!!! So, we are rematched with Mercy and moving forward again! 6.5 years in process and we are finally past these hurdles, thanks to the involvement of Maneka Gandhi in India on our behalf.

And as I’m typing this, the song that ALWAYS PLAYS at opportune times in this process just came on the radio at the restaurant! Again!!!
‘I have died everyday waiting for you, darling don’t be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I’ll love you for a thousand more… All along I believed I would find you… One step closer…’

Failed adoption?

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Miscarriage at 57 weeks? Not sure what to compare it to; miscarriage, failed invitro, infertility? I’m just trying to create a picture that other people outside of the world of international adoption can understand. 

The first time we saw her face was 582 days ago. Once they finally sent paperwork back, we signed it immediately and since then we have been in process trying to adopt her for 399 days. Steve urged that I type this all out to make sense of it. So I try. 

 Its hard to explain, but the basics of it are this: The government/judges where our sweet girl lives have ignored our case, and neglected to process things for more than a year now. Lots of people have made assumptions as to why, but ultimately (since no one will actually communicate) its all conjecture. There are rumors that the decision makers are anti-adoption. My assumption is that there is also a bit of ineptitude and overall lack of belief in the sanctity of life/family as well, but again, it’s an assumption. On top of the fact that they neglected to file/process our case (which means our name has not– a year and a month after signing intent papers– even been attached to hers legally), there are several other international cases ahead of ours that are being given court date after court date with no result (since last July) with little to no explanation why. 

 So, we felt we had to make a decision. We prayed. We dug deep. And we found peace in our decision. We met with our caseworker and asked to be unmatched with this state (and therefore the child we’ve been calling our own).  We’re so grateful for our adoption agency and all they’ve put into this effort. Constant calls, emails, and an effort to act ethically in a nation where unethical actions are more the norm than we’d like to recognize. 

 But, just because we feel it’s the right decision, doesn’t make it any easier to walk through. Bear with me friends. Thanks for holding my arms up. We are continuing on with India, but we wait, again.


Like A Vow that Is Tested (Part two)

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So many open ends and questions about the next step.

So we looked back.

I look to see the traced lines of His faithfulness. I see how all along, we (our whole family, not just me and my hubby) have bowed our heads and said ‘Although we do not understand what You are doing, we are continuing to pursue You, and Your dream for us. We will continue. Will will honor You in our wait. You miss nothing, Lord. You see everything.’

This was not an accident.

There was nothing haphazard about how He led us in this long, arduous, winding path. We have done our best to walk faithfully with what we have been given. So there are no ‘what if’s.’ There is no question as to the path behind us, because on that path we said Yes and we went forward with open hands.

Now there remains only a question about the path ahead of us. So, we sit down after reviewing His faithfulness. After using our hindsight to call His active involvement fully into focus, we realize that to move forward with fear of any kind is pure foolishness. The path behind us is strewn with flowers of *Love, *Joy, *Family, *Peace, *Wisdom gained, *Longing fulfilled, *Financial provision, *Grace given and received.

If the path behind us is filled with such beauty, flowers blooming in the wake of obedience; why should I look forward in fear? Why should I doubt, just because there is no light cast on it, that the path ahead is just as full of beauty and faithfulness as the path behind me that is now lit? Just because the hands on my watch are not moving as quickly as I’d like? That’s what casts shadows of fear and doubt on the future? Surely not. God is bigger than that, and so is my faith.

So we move forward in the way that we feel led. He has given us wisdom and peace in the decisions that we have made in this adoption so far, so our plan is to advance in the same wisdom and peace. Even through darkness.


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